If I Could Tell You

My dearest, closest childhood friend lost her battle with cancer last week, but because my husband and I were camping in the mountains, out of cell phone range, I missed the call from her husband and didn’t find out until Monday.

You can know something is going to happen, like my friend’s death, and for months if not years prior. But no amount of knowing has any bearing on the sorrow and loss that is felt when someone you love passes and becomes forever out of a familiar and habitual reach. I will though, carry the pieces of our lives that we shared along with me wherever I go and someday we’ll meet again on the other side.

My dear friend Regina, I know you are in a better place and most of all, I am relieved that you won’t suffer anymore. Outside of my husband and my family, there is no one who knows me the way you do and I will miss the effortless way we talked and laughed, no matter the years and miles between us. Stay gold my friend.

If I could tell you

Time will say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.

W.H. Auden

20 thoughts on “If I Could Tell You

  1. Oh Deb, so sorry to hear this!

    I will miss the effortless way we talked and laughed

    All things genuine are effortless and I can only imagine how genuine and lovely your friendship might have been and how beautiful that bond was!

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  2. I totally understand how mentally knowing something will not in any way prepare you for the actual loss when it arrives. I feel for you and express my sorrow for this great void. I wish you love and light at this time, Linda

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    • Thank you so much! Yes, the blog community has been a wonderful new experience for me and I cherish each one of you for not only the support, but for the incredible gifts that you all share here in the blogosphere.

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  3. I have been in hospice visiting loved ones and knowing they were gonna pass, and still when it actually happened I felt shocked and surprised by it. I have been thru many deaths of others and the number gets higher the older I get. It can seem like a cruel cosmic joke at times. I fear the death of others more then my own death, just because I’ll miss them and it leaves a painful void in my heart. Namaste and deepest sympathy.

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    • Thank you David. I think you nailed it. The pain is hard. Likewise, deepest sympathies to you too. My grandpa used to say, “Don’t get old Deb.” I’m just beginning to understand a little of what he might have meant.

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  4. Empty-handed I entered the world
    Barefoot I leave it.
    My coming, my going-
    Two simple happenings
    That got entangled.
    – Kozan Ichikyo

    Being entangled with another who also understands the barefoot walking of the path is one of the greatest gifts I think we can ever find here. So blessed to have been and to still be so known and loved are you.

    Might I humbly say that I think this beloved friend found you on that mountaintop and enjoyed sharing the view all the more for the eyes you witness with… eyes that now have the heavier experience of the tangible missing of her form.

    My thoughts are with you as a precious keeper of memories over time is now giving us all her hugs on the breeze.

    -x.M

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    • Thank you M. You’re so right about her finding me. I think during the trip I knew something had happened. I spoke with Regina about a week before she died. She didn’t want to say goodbye and always wanted things to be normal for everyone else, but I know her too well not to hear the pain and weakness in her voice and that she and I were saying goodbye.
      Friday night of our camping trip, I dreamed that I was back in my parents house upstairs in my old bedroom. Regina and I used to talk to each other through the opened windows on summer nights, until her mother would yell for her to go to bed.
      In the dream, I was in that bedroom, which was dark and empty, all I could see was the open window that I used to talk to her from. There was a light breeze coming through the window that I used to talk to her from.
      It is amazing the things that happen in dreams.

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  5. my condolences on your loss..
    your words will reach all the hearts they are meant…
    they are beautifully scripted in love…
    Take Care…You Matter…
    )0(
    maryrose

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