Although the whole of my therapy experience was the start of a whole new psychic rearrangement for me, there was a particular dream event that reshuffled, and reignited my being. From this dream event onward I have carried with me the sense that my life will never be the same again. The sense of who I am, at the most basic ontological level forever changed and the sense of not belonging, either in the world or in my body, vaporized.
To this day, I try to recall the old sense of being that I had, but it is gone so much so that I can only look back in amazement and remember the struggle that used to be my life. I thank God everyday for the healing that took place then for it allows me to wake up every day happy to be alive. My inner life is rich in fantasy, imagination, conflict, vision, insight all of which carry me forward and sustain me. As well, my outer life slowly over the course of a few more changes and a few more years has become peaceful, rich and meaningful in ways that I could not imagine back then.
There was a big dream that precipitated the change and healing in my sense of being. The dream did not provide an intellectual insight, or show me something that needed to be seen or understood. The dream changed me in a way that I do not entirely understand and cannot completely explain. I can describe the dream image, and tell you what happened upon awakening but I cannot explain what this experience did to me psychically or physically though I know all aspects of my being were touched deeply by the dream event.
While still sleeping and in the dream I began to feel an intense feeling at the base of my spine. Suddenly I felt what can only be described as an electrical charge inside me that began to rapidly surge upwards through my spine towards my neck into my head. The sensation was so powerful that it woke me up. As I woke up I was completely shaken. I knew some big huge energy had surged through me and I knew something very big had happened.
Over the course of the days, weeks and years that followed, the freedom I began to feel led me into many different adventures. Everything seemed new and exciting as if I were alive for the first time. I traveled more, both inside and out. A strong desire to walk and experience the beautiful Pacific Northwest led me to find friends that enjoyed hiking and mountain climbing and how fortunate I was to see so much of the beauty that surrounds us here.
After going through the years of sadness, I now found myself often times crying tears of joy, especially in moments like the one above.
Although I regret the many years in which I did not or could not live life to the fullest, I have come to understand the value that suffering added to my life. I cannot forget that I suffered so much and couldn’t get my life on track and will always feel a tremendous sense of compassion for others suffering and for all the suffering that is the human condition. Suffering can bring meaning, it has to me, and that is not a way of accepting evil, or giving license to causing of another’s suffering, but it is an acceptance that suffering happens and I believe, asks something of us all and what that something is, is up to us to attend to.